Baby steps.

27 Jul

Warning: This post contains content about disordered eating. May be triggering for some.

A few nights ago I was in the grocery store with my husband and babies. We were in the ice cream section, and as I passed the section that held the Edy’s ice cream I stopped cold. (heh, get it..cold?) At the time my husband was talking to me about what flavor of ice cream he should get, but I barely even heard him.

The brown and white striped Edy’s container had sparked a memory. In an instant I saw myself at 10 years old, bingeing on an entire container of Edy’s Java Chip ice cream and then promptly purgeing and hiding the container. As if no one would notice the huge brand new container of ice cream was missing. Of course they noticed. And thus began a habit of bingeing and purging that has plagued me ever since.

Don’t get me wrong: that wasn’t the begining. I hated myself long before that carton of ice cream entered my life. And isn’t that how these things all start? Self hatred. Such a sad, sad phrase.

I’m not 10 years old anymore. I’m 22, I have a sweet husband and two beautiful little girls that love me. But I am a long way from loving myself. Part of the issue has always been that I never thought I had a ‘problem’. Those dangerously skinny girls? They had a problem. The girls that binged and purged every single day? They had a problem. My once a week, every two weeks, maybe even once or twice a month ‘habit’  never seemed like a big deal to me. I was wrong. I have learned that no matter how often or how far in between it’s a problem.

I have spent so many years hating myself. Hating the way I looked, hating the way I felt. Bingeing, forcing myself to throw up, popping diet pills while starving myself. It seems like such a waste. Sometimes I think that if I could go back in time I would tell myself that all the energy I spent abusing my body could have gone to loving myself and becoming healthier. Alas, there is no going back. Time machines do not exist and time only moves forward..which is where I am today. Moving forward. Trying every day to be healthier and stop the cycle of hating myself. It’s a process. A wise person once said, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step”.

So, I’m stepping. Somedays I step forward and some days I take a few back but I have faith in the process. I’ll get there. 😉

 

You can explore the universe looking for somebody who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself,
and you will not find that person anywhere. ~ Buddhist saying

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