2 Aug

Yesterday I went for a walk/run. Why a walk/run? Well number one, I haven’t ran in years. Number two, I am extremely self concious. Self concious about running? That sounds pretty ridiculous, right?

I’ve always been self concious about working out, at least where people could see me. When I was a teenager I had a membership to a “spa”, which was really just a very fancy gym that also had a spa in it along with tanning beds and a health food restaraunt.  I didn’t properly take advantage of my membership though, because I was too busy worried about what other people would think of me. I usually walked on the treadmill for about 10 minutes, ambled over to some machines and worked out for 5 minutes, wandered around like a lost child, and then headed to the tanning beds. Tanning was easy, it’s not like anyone could see you. Then I’d grab a smoothie and call it a day and feel really good about myself because I’d spent some time at the gym. Except the majority of my time was spent walking around and tanning. Lame!

I think that’s a side of effect of being obsessed with your weight/looks. Your obsession runs so deep that you are convinced that everyone else is thinking the same things you are. You are convinced that every person who happens to glance in your direction is judging you. It can be all consuming.

So, my walk/run yesterday? I was feeling the same way. Looking around, back and forth, paranoid that someone would see me. I felt comfortable because it looked like the neighbors weren’t home. I broke into a run, and I was feeling good until a car came up the road from behind me. And I stopped running. And I felt that uncomfortable paranoia that they were staring at me, judging me. I looked down at my Blackberry so it would look more like I was doing something and less like I had stopped because of them. After they went on down the road I thought about what had just happened. (And I won’t lie, I also thought about what a good blog post it would make :))

And the more I thought about it, the stupider I felt. Chances are they could really care less about whether I run like an injured goose, or if I look like I’m seconds from dying. And maybe they are thinking those things. Does it matter? I don’t know those people. I’ll never know if they think I’m fat, or if they’re in their cars laughing at the way I run. But I was ruining my workout because of what someone might see and what someone might think. I was depriving myself of something I wanted because someone else might be making fun of me. And the more these thoughts came, the more I felt like running. So, I did. I switched between running and walking for a while and then I stopped in to the house to get my dog and walk s0me more. We didn’t walk long, because as you can see below Albus is a small dog (he’s bigger now, though :)) and well..his short little legs can’t walk up and down hills very much. 

Anyways, after our walk I did some jivamukti and thought about my walk/run. I felt very accomplished that I had actually ran and gotten over (at least in that moment) the fear that someone might see me and judge me. It felt like progress. Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

Do one thing everyday that scares you. – Eleanor Roosevelt


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